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Seriously, they had so much potential to make it amazing, and instead, it was almost hillarious it was so bad.
So mad.
i don't know what i want anymore. i have been dating alex for almost 4 months and there isn't one REALLY fucking terrible thing about him. Honestly, most girls would be fucking ecstatic.. he does anything and everything for me. He bought me and some of my friends Coheed and Cambria tickets, and is getting us a motel room, and coming along, just for me.. and I appreciate it beyond belief, but it's like.. after Peter fucking ruined me...fucking completely ruined me.. I keep myself just out of the reach of any possible risk of getting too close.
I feel fucking terrible for Alex. He loves me so much.. and I want to love him, but I just feel numb. I feel so fucking far away from everything, and it's killing me. Part of me wants to end it, for his sake..but the other part of me is fucking selfish, and tells me to hold on because someone fucking cares, and I might get some fucking feeling back, and I'll be happy.
FUCK. I wish he'd never hurt me. I wish HE got hurt. I wish I wasn't fucking numb.
Alex doesn't deserve this..and despite everything, I don't either.
UGH.
Better news:
I not only got my license, but I'm buying a car like..this week.. and I'm fucking stoked.
I got a dog, and he's fucking rad.
I'm going to see Kanye West on the 21st.
I'm going to London for work on the 23rd, and I get to eat ridiculously good hotel food, and hang out with rad mother fuckers.
I'm going to see Coheed & go shopping in Toronto on the 30th-1st.
Oh, and I'm going to be 18 in 2 months? Rad.
seriously.
stop being so fucking confusing.
honestly, what you have been doing cannot be taken as anything but flirting, and obviously i'm not the only one who sees that. you obviously like me, and i like you back. despite what you think, you're fucking amazing..and nothing can make me think less of you.
Things are really fucked up and that's all there is to it. I'm trying to be okay with everything, but I'm not okay with it at all. The fact is, I'm more dissapointed in everything.. than I am mad. It's just a shame to see such a person go to waste.
Whatever. I'm so conflicted with people and how I feel about everything. I've been so fucking stressed lately and I am so tired of it...
There are some good things in my life though..
My friends, the ones that make the effort to care..
"hey. i'm glad that you can confide in me. and that we are that close. you know i am willing to listen. and will do anything i can possibly do to help you. you are the best friend i have ever had. people have asked me about last night. i told them that if you want them to know you will tell them. but i told them not to ask or bring it up. you know you can come to me with anything and i will not turn you away. i love you as a sister heidi! you are my hero. being able to tought all this shit out thus far. i look up to you. love your true friend. becca. "
"heidi, let me tell you something. randomly one day i had this little person come up to me asking for a hug... i thouhgt she was crazy, but then i started talking to her and i was like.. wow this person is full of life and excitment!... Heidi, it may be hard but i dont kow anyone else like you, someone who can be friends with so many people, be so fun, happy, smiling, joking, and just there.... this may sound a bit preechy.. but if this guy is bothering you this much, let him go he is stoping you from seeing the real you... heidi.... there is nothing negative about the real you"
Ah, i love them.
I wish i could always feel the way I felt this morning.
I hate bullshit.
ASJD:AJSKDH.
- Mood:sad
peter & i are officially over.. hes kind of seeing this douchebag that i dont like..but its not up to me..he can fuck things up for himself.
i went to see teddy geiger on november 12th..and it was fucking amazing. it was the best concert that i have ever been to. i also met him..and it was the highlight of my life. he is an amazing performer.
i got two teeth pulled..
i met a boy who is absolutely phenomenal..and i have spent so much time hanging out with him and talkng to him lately..its amazing..and comforting and sweet. im hoping to let things just grow and get even better.
despite the fact that my life has changed a great deal in the past month..and its been really hard and emotional..
right now, i am so happy.
my friends are incredible.. school is great.. l
i have an amazing boyfriend.
Even though I called there, and gave them plenty of time to call me back...it wasn't like I called NOW and expected them to arrange the ride with Todd home for 12, I called yesterday afternoon and fucking 4 and no one was there?! What the fuck? They are always home, especially at 4. I called this morning at 9, AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK..WHY WAS NO ONE HOME? I'm sure I'll get in trouble for this. It will be my fault that I don't have a ride because "it was up to me" even though, I was told, "Todd is driving you home on Sunday". Okay, has anyone contacted Todd? No? HOW DO I KNOW? Has anyone talked to me? Nope.
Anyways!
Big scare yesterday, Peter Beales had the stomach flu, and recovered JUST before we almost lost our chance to see Metric. We went..stood outside in line for a bit, really cold. The first band (Holy Fuck) was FUCKING AMAZING. Ugh. Gosh, I loved them so much.
The second band, (Islands) or whatever, were alright. They played one amazing song, but other than that...I just wasn't fond of them, personally.
Mettttric. Oh dear, Metric. They were so great. They are such a GOOD live band. Emily has such a cute voice, like talking voice. They didn't play Empty though, so...I was really dissapointed. But they played Wet Blanket really well..and I enjoyed it.
This guy dropped his girlfriend's batteries while she was in the bathroom and I picked some up for him and he was like "OH MY GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH" and then he didn't know how to put them in the camera..and I figured it out and he was like "OH MAN! THANK YOU!" and gave me a hug like it was a huge deal.
These old guys (who were like 9 feet tall) stood RIGHT in front of me at the beginning of Metric but Peter was like "Do you mind moving, she can't see" and he was like "ooh oh! sorry". But then more tall people came..and yeah.
I'll have pictures sooooooooooon after Peter uploads them
OH! And Peter's dog is SO cute..except she bites super hard.
Anyways, hope everyone is good
♥
- Mood:tired
- Music:Holy Fuck + ToneBank Jungle
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong."
if I want to write something, I will.
I'll say WHAT I feel WHEN I feel it.
It is in, no way, your place to tell me when I'm wrong, or what is dumb.
You both don't like me, I hate you both more than anything.
Everyone gets it.
Writing me stupid emails and telling me how much of a bitch I am does nothing but leave me in a position to continue saying mean things about you.
You get what you deserve.
Simple.
- Mood:tired
- Music:Nirvana + Serve The Servants [Acoustic]
